Withered Flowers

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Yes, those are withered flowers. Two bouquets of flowers I had ever been given to, so, you may figure why I didn’t throw them away. Those two bouquets were from the same person. Not a very romantic person so that I had to ask for them. But, it didn’t mean I was given right away, I waited, some two times in 5 years.

Bouquet on the right was given out of nowhere. I didn’t remember asking for it. It was my birthday. Oh, not really, it was 5 days after my birthday. I was ironing his shirt and he suddenly came through that door and said, “Happy Birthday!” Then his hand came from behind his back, giving me that (used to be) beautiful bouquet. It is still beautiful to me, the moment that bouquet was given is the thing that makes it beautiful. Later, he sat me in front of him, opening a tiny box. Inside was a silver necklace with “A” pendant on it. He put it around my neck and I was overwhelming. Because the necklace was so beautiful and I never expected that kind of gift and that way of him treating me. Wonder why I didn’t put that picture of necklace here? I’ve lost it. Most beautiful thing I ever had, and I’ve lost it. Awesome.

Bouquet on the left was given not out of nowhere. I’d been whining for that bouquet and he granted it. You may figure then it was not that special because I was given what I had asked for. But, no. It was special. He came to my house, bringing me that bouquet, when we were fighting. I still wonder when he bought that bouquet, was it the night before when we weren’t arguing, or was it the morning, when we were arguing. Either way, the fact that he still brought it eventhough we were fighting is what makes it beautiful.

Those are withered flowers. Doesn’t matter cause the beauty is still there.

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Hey, Grow Up!

At some point, somehow you have to learn to live by yourself. You know from the very beginning that you won’t be with you parents forever to take care of you, to give you money, to provide you beds, tv, computers, and all those things. You’ve been told (not taught) to live independent. No parents would tell (not teach) you how to live dependent to them. Except, for some people.

Different culture different way of life, that’s for sure. Here in Indonesia, you live with your parents till you can make your own money. Even if you live by yourself, let’s say in a rent room, you still ask money from them. You’re not independent in certain ways.

I’m not independent in money. But other than that, hell yes I’m working my ass off trying to live by myself. Nobody’s waking me up every morning. You wake up on time or you’re late for work. Nobody’s cooking me breakfast, let alone dinner. You cook or you don’t eat. Nobody’s providing you vegetables and fruits in the refrigerator. You shop or you have nothing to eat. Nobody’s doing you any favor, you have to make it by your own.

For someone who never lives apart from their family, doing all the things by themselves is a struggle, it’s a struggle day by day. Sure it’d be much better if only there were some places to eat, you eat then you pay. Let alone a laundry place. But that’s not the case here.

. I live in this Kampung Sempora which is placed behind the place where I’m doing my research, Indonesian Science Institute, Cibinong, West Java. The Kampung I live, There’s only some warung (it’s like a mini store) where they sell only raw materials. So still, I have to cook. Here’s the thing, I get that instead of regretting how I live in here, I’m thankful I get to learn how to live independent. A chance that I wouldn’t have experienced if I hadn’t come here.

Yes, I can’t be the same when I do grocery like I used to. I used to take all the things I WANTed (not NEEDed) and didn’t have to worry about how I’d pay. My mother would do all the paying, I’d do the taking. You know, taking things from the grocery store. Things that would rot in the refrigerator cause I forgot to use it. It was fun to be thoughtless.

Then here I am, where I have to walk for a while to go to the ATM (fyi, for us, Indonesian, walking 15 minutes to just go to the ATM is not that fun). And have to be careful to use my money because yes, my parents could send me money but who guarantees that it’d come on time and I feel it, how burdening to ask for money to them. I’d rather spend my money carefully instead of spending it away and keep asking frequently to them.

I do my grocery here. But I do it differently, you know, like making priority scale. Which ones of these things I really need and which ones still can be covered. A lot of times I take some things then I look at my trolley and do the sorting. Then I put them back to the shelves.

I think it’s good to be like this. No, I know it’s good to be like this, carefully spending your money. Besides it teaches you to be thrift, it teaches you not to be an extravagant. One thing I learned, you never know. You never know if you’re gonna be somebody with a lot of money, somebody with enough money, or worse, somebody with no or little money.

Wake-up Call

Wow, can’t imagine how fast time rolls. You were a kid playing around with other kids, playing drama pretending that you were a grown up, a very nice lady with all the make-ups and costumes,  and now you’re exactly what you’ve been wanting to be. A grown up. Well, half way there.

I’m turning 22 this year. But just like yesterday I was a kid, playing drama with other kids. Putting lipstick on my lips making it looked ridiculous, pretending to be a wife and cooking for my fake-husband (who was also a girl), putting tissue on my breast so they’d look bigger (that was how I pictured a grown up woman in my little head), and so many other foolish things I did. But it was all true and honest. And innocent. I was a kid. I was pure and innocent.

Then I got bigger. My friends also got bigger. We started to know those cute boys and tried like hell to get their attention. Those times were the time (I thought) problems started to come. Not so much of a problem compared to what I have now (considering I’m now turning 22 y.o). It was like fighting over some boys who we thought was handsome enough so it felt worth it to fight for. And screaming to another girl cause we thought that she was our BFF before knowing that apparently she was dating the boy we liked, and stuff like that. They seemed like very big problems, serious problems back in time. Now, they just seem silly.

Then out of the blue you got an invitation. Wedding invitation. I got a wedding invitation. A friend of mine was getting married!  A wake-up call. Suddenly I realized that I was standing nowhere near of being a grown up. Marriage in my culture is something huge, yet we have to face it to be a complete grown up. And she overstepped that! I mean we’re classmate, we started college together, we attended classes together, and she was already getting married. So, I asked myself, where am I? Do I even think about that? Do I even suitable already to think about that? No. I’m not yet suitable, I’m not yet ready. So, no, I’m not rushing it. I’m not in a rush. I take my time. But still, it was a wake-up call.

I need to focus. I’m focused. As long as things like this morning don’t ruin my day. Academic stuff ruined my beautiful morning. I called a friend, telling her that I was messed up. Some of my grades haven’t been published and that could be a problem and that I might not make it to graduate this year. Now, how can ‘not make it to graduate this year’ you not find that disturbing? It was really disturbing! But she said that I had to take it slow, step by step. “What’s in front of you now, face it. What’s not, leave it for a while. Cause you can’t do nothing about that. Do the things you can do.” and it was damn right and comforting. It’s just useless worrying about problems that I can’t solve. Yes, I’m in the middle of my research in Bogor, while my problems stay in Jogja. I have to leave them for a while.

Here I am, in a house with four rooms all by myself. Spending time alone makes me think way more than usual. Sometimes I think, it’d be nice if you never grew up. You know, always be a kid, stay childish. No need to think about anything, really. Life would’ve been super easy. But, we’re growing older. I’m growing older. Law of Nature, can’t do anything about that.

Recently, I often think about what I will do after I graduate. Is it going to another school for master, is it going to look for jobs, or is it going anywhere else? I have no idea. I was just like go with the flow. Now, I seem to have to make a plan.

6290.4

Sunyi senyap di rumah, cuma ada kamu dan aku. Perut kita besar. “Hati-hati, aku bertambah 1 kg.” kataku memperingatkanmu ketika kamu  telah memasang kuda-kuda untuk menangkapku. Kamu tertawa, “Aku sudah tambah kuat.” Tentu saja aku senang, apa kamu bercanda? Berlari pelan dan meloncat sekuat tenaga ke arahmu, dan hopp!!  Mengherankan kenapa kamu tidak pernah terjatuh menangkapku.

Sibuk dengan pikiran  masing-masing di ruangan 4×4. Di luar, hujan deras tanpa ampun. Entah sudah keberapa kalinya kita bicara kapan hujan akan berhenti. “Kalau kamu tidak pulang, aku akan membuat sesuatu yang sangat enak untukmu.” Kamu membuka beranda dan mulai menelusuri, mencari makanan apalagi yang kali ini bisa kamu buat.

Pancake, kamu menemukan pancake. “Pancake,” katamu. Tertawa, masih dengan perut-perut yang besar, kamu merencanakan untuk membuat pancake. Tiba-tiba ada perasaan menggebu untuk memakan pancake, gambar-gambar di beranda menggodaku. “Aku mau pancake. Sekarang.” Kataku. “Hujan, besar-besar.” Kamu menjawab dengan aksen yang lucu. “Tuhan menciptakan payung dan mantel untuk suatu alasan.” Kukatakan kalimat yang selalu kuulang untuk mengejekmu. Lagi, kamu berkata, “Dengarkan, h u j a n– besar-besar.” Tawaku meledak mendengar suaramu. Aksenmu, lebih tepatnya “P a y u n g– besar-besar.” Kubalas. Kita tertawa keras.

Bangun dari posisi ternyaman kita, kamu mengambil hoodie kesayanganmu. 2 menit kemudian kamu membungkukkan badan, seperti dulu, “Up up!” tentu saja dengan senang hati aku meloncat. Berjalan tertatih keluar kamar 4×4 disambut suara hujan yang sangat ribut. 30 detik berdiri di halaman, tubuh akan basah kuyup tanpa ampun. “Vivi, kami akan pergi beli susu.” Kamu berkata pada gadis dengan laptop di ruang keluarga, -ternyata dia ada di sana sepanjang kita bercanda- denganku di atas punggungmu. Lagi, aku tertawa keras.

Aku tahu aku akan sangat merindukan dirimu, 6290.4 mil dari sini, suatu hari nanti.

people don’t change

Waking up this morning with this shitty thoughts in my head. I was wishing to get it over with by last night, apparently I didn’t.

People don’t change. People don’t change. Been thinking that way, and that is what I believe to be the truth. People adapt, yes. We were young and stupid, then growing up, still stupid but less, probably. Because then we know how to think more instead of doing stupid things just for a moment of excitement.

But then I think there are some people who never grow up. Or maybe they do, but later. They think they are young, too young to take responsibility, too young to think about life, too young to take big decisions in life, yet young enough to screw things over, to fuck up their life. They think they still have plenty of years coming, means a lot of time to change, to re-organize their life.

But what if it’s too late already? What if they don’t have time anymore..

I’m afraid it’s you.

You could be so much better at other things, but at some certain things you just don’t get it. And I don’t know, really don’t know how to explain things to you. We’ve been thinking of the big big things. But we do forget that big things are made of small small things. Those small things are gonna be rocks on our way. Make us shaky, wobbly, or whatsoever, slip, and eventually fall. Falling apart.

We both know this is gonna be a hell of difficulties, but at some point we simplified them. Then I realized, things are just not simple at all.

I’m used to be steady. One thing for like forever till it’s cannot be used anymore. You remember my bag? That was funny, “Good to know,” you said, knowing that I’m used to one thing. Unlike you, you are used to alterations, which is normal and fine. But at some points, it’s really difficult for me.

I’m really not used to adapt. It’s affecting one of important things in relationship, if you know what I mean. You were frustrated, really were. A bit yelled at me, “… fucking shit!”. I’m sorry for that, I really am. I’m just, not used to you.

Things are not as simple as they used to be, right? It came along as we’re getting to know each other more and more. It has two sides, I know. In a way it’s very nice to get to know people, in another way, it’s a starting point of troubles.

100 truths boring question

WHAT WAS YOUR:

1. Last beverage: mineral water
2. Last phone call: him
3. last text message: guy who’s driving you nuts. please don’t ask
4. last song you listened to: skyfall
5. last time you cried: last night

HAVE YOU EVER:

6. dated someone twice: yes
7. been cheated on: nope. never.
8. kissed someone & regretted it: no in one time and yes in another time
9. lost someone special: yes
10. been depressed: Yes
11. been drunk and threw up: nope

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12. black
13. white
14. grey

THIS YEAR, HAVE YOU: (2012)

15. Made a new friend: Yes, a lot. thanks God
16. Fallen out of love:  No
17. Laughed until you cried : recently, yes. because someone who’s so fucking funny just crumbled my walls down
18. Met someone who changed you: Yes.
19. Found out who your true friends were: not really. still working my ass off to look for them
20. Found out someone was talking about you: Yes. and don’t give a shit
21. Done anything you regretted: Yes, no. hmm, I’m still confused.
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: only maybe one third of my facebook friends, been planning to remove ones I don’t have any idea who.
23. How many kids do you want to have: 2
24. Do you have any pets:  yes, three times, three different pets. all dead.
25. Do you want to change your name: uh-uh
26. What did you do for your last birthday: forgot
27. What time did you wake up today: 9 am
28. What were you doing at midnight last night:  was on the phone to sleep
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: decision
30. Last time you saw one of your parents: one minute ago
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? nothing. I’m thankful of what God has been giving me
32. What are you listening to right now?: nothing
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: I have. he’s my cousin
34. What’s getting on your nerves right now: hungry
35. Most visited webpage: facebook, wordpress
36. Whats your real name: Sri Wijayanti Wulandari
37. Nicknames: Wulan
38. Relationship Status: taken
39. Zodiac sign: Aries
40. Male or female?: female
41. Elementary: SDN Suryodiningratan 3. you probably have no idea where it is
42. Middle School: SMP N 8 Yogyakarta
43. High school/College: SMA N 1 Yogyakarta
44. Hair color: black
45. Long or short: Long. plan to cut it short
46. Height: 160
47. Do you have a crush on someone?  could be
48: What do you like about yourself? mine
49. Piercings: ears. planning to make more
50. Tattoos: no (t yet)
51. Righty or lefty  : soooo righty

FIRSTS :

52. First injury: fell of my bicycle. bleeding a lot
53. First best friend: Corry
54. First Kiss: hmm, with the current boyfriend
55. First sport you joined: basket ball
56. First vacation: somewhere in East Java
57. First Alcoholic beverage : come from a country where drinking is kinda prohibited
58. First time getting arrested: 15 years old, driving without license

RIGHT NOW

59. Eating: nothing
60. Drinking: nope
61. I’m about to: answer these 40 more exhausting questions
62. Listening to: some korean music come from my sister laptop which is impossible to understand

YOUR FUTURE :

63. Dreams?: get happy lovely life ever after
64. Want kids?: yes, 2. already answered
65. Get Married?: I would love to. hope in 3 years from now
66. Career?: haven’t come up in my mind yet. hope it would be something I love to do

WHICH IS BETTER :

67. Lips or eyes: eyes. but thanks God for giving me both
68. Hugs or kisses: Both. sorry, someone told me I was greedy
69. Shorter or taller: taller
70. Older or Younger: older
71. Romantic or spontaneous: romantic and humourous
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: both. again, someone told me I was greedy
73. Sensitive or loud: loud
74. Hook-up or relationship: relationship
75. Trouble maker or hesitant: troublemaker would be very challenging and fun
76. Looks or Personality: personality. but good looks and personality is just a perfect combination. so, I’d like to have both.

HAVE YOU EVER :

77. Drank hard liquor: no way
78. Lost glasses/contacts: Yes
80. Broken someone’s heart: as I recall, yes
81. Had your own heart broken: of course.
82. Been arrested:yes
83. Turned someone down: Yes
84. Cried when someone died: of course, what kind of people don’t cry when somebody died?!
85. Fallen for a friend?: nope

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

86. Yourself: yes
87. Miracles: of course
88. Love at first sight: Yes
89. Heaven: Yes
90. Santa Claus: no
91. Aliens: no
92. Angels: Yes

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

93. Are you faithful?: will figure it out. time will do the talking
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: not really
95. Did you sing today?:nope. didn’t feel like singing
96. Ever hurt someone?: yes,I feel sorry for that
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go back? really, kinda question I like. but no, we have our own paths. I didn’t want to change that even if I had the chance to go back in time because I would probably screw things I really grateful for up in this present time. so, no, thanks.
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be?  I don’t want to relive even a single second which is already passed in my life .
99. How do you feel this very second?: somehow nervous.
100. Posting this as 100 truths?: yeah, I already went this far.

Sometimes she just needs you more than anything in the world..

when she stops giggling…
when she stops smiling…
when she stops holding your hands…
when she stops calling your name…
there must be something wrong, she needs you to find and fix it

when she starts crying…
when she rejects all the things you do…
when she starts crying even harder…
she needs you to hold her hands, even she refuses to hold back, or even to be touched at all…
she wants to look tough, even she knows, you know, that she’s just not

she could be a real pain in the ass…
she could be a real jerk…
she could be someone you don’t know at all…
just because you don’t do something she wants, even when you think you do…
it’s just a proof how important you are for her, how important you be there with her

forgive her, she just doesn’t know what to do
she just doesn’t realize all the things you sacrifice for her
talk to her, even she doesn’t talk back to you
open her eyes, be strong, and hold her hands no matter what
that’s what she wants you to do
because sometimes, she just needs you more than anything in the world…