a fool on the junction

all of the sudden, in your perfect perfect life, something, someone just comes and shakes it. at the beginning you may enjoy, go with the flow, happy with all the things that happens. but you can’t live your life that way. life is not only at the beginning. it has what so called the end. and the end is really, not always beautiful, not always good.

at some point, you may be on the junction which is the time for you to make a decision that sometimes, no, most of the times, is just so not easy. you already got into your comfort zone, and you just don’t wanna get out. but, again, you can’t. you have to come back to reality.

there, deep down in your heart, that ‘thing’ owns you. it doesn’t want to go away. or, maybe you’re the one who doesn’t want to let it go. it changes you, makes your life even more colorful and more ‘life’! you feel something you’ve never felt before, you feel something different. so much different till you can’t make anymore difference whether you do have those feelings or you just do want to have those feelings because they’re something which completely new for you.

that ‘thing’, you don’t want to let go, do you? come on, it’s just started to grow, not even blossoming yet. it’s beautiful, full of colors, and shiny. and it also full of surprises. you never ever can take any guess what happen next. and that’s is the unique thing of that ‘thing’. you want to keep it, as long as possible.

so much differences is just so perfect!

and, there you are, standing like a fool on that damn junction. full of doubts and have no damn clue which way is the best for you. or, which way you do want. or, which way does make you happy. or, which way is the safest.

and there that ‘thing’, standing and watching you being a clueless fool.

sometimes, life is unfair. but you have to deal with it. and you do have responsibility of any act you take. you can’t just do whatever you want and go with it. no. in any act you make, there must be person who’s involved. either happy for you, or hurt instead. and ya, you can’t laugh and being happy when somebody might hurt, can you?

and that’s why you should choose.

like a friend told me, any decision you make is not gonna be fair for everybody. somebody will get hurt.

you are again, standing like a fool on that damn junction.

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doa

240 months my life, I pray. never really understand what the meaning of pray itself. my parents taught me, and that’s what I do. simple, isn’t it? some people say, there’s no God. really? so, who created us? who created the universe? they said, universe existed by its own. nobody created us. I just don’t get it, there must be the highest power out there. a lot beyond us, beyond what our brains can think of. I’m sure, really sure that one.

okay. go back to pray.. people pray when they get stuck on problems the can’t solve. people go to mosques, go to church, go to whatever the sacred places when they get disaster in their life. why? I asked my self.

they also get better in pray when they get something they really really want to achieve. why?

why when happiness comes, the forget it all?

when sadness comes -everybody knows- they will go back to where they belong..

they forget about who gives it to them..

why?

Religion –> Ability (?)

hello blooooog :* miss you! hey, I wanna tell you something. it’s about my pretty friend from South Korea. she’s Hong Mieun πŸ™‚ she’s just a very niceeeeeeeeee girl ><

I write this blog with the permission of her πŸ™‚

anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot for that, the title. no, not how to find the title, but the meaning of it. so, few days ago, I was talking with her, and she said that thing. I just like realized something when I heard that, it has a right side, I think. she told me how surprised she was when she came in Indonesia for the first time. she had to fill some forms and each from has a lot of questions that aren’t exist in her country, include religion and status. married or unmarried.

firstly, she asked me about my veil. it might be like, “Can you take off your scarf if you want to?“, I answered, “No.” i told her about what Muslim’s girls have to do when they get their aqil baligh”. yea, wearing a veil. she also asked about in Indonesia, people have to have a religion. and I said, “Yes.” then I asked to her, “What about you? What’s your religion?” and what she would say to me was quite surprising for me. she answered, “No, I don’t have.”, then I continued, “Do you believe in God?”, and again, what she would say was surprising me, much more. “No, I don’t.” to be honest, I was quite surprised πŸ™‚ then I asked her about to whom she’s gonna ask for something, I mean like a pray. who she prays to? then she said to me,

“I think, having a religion is an ability, and I don’t have that ability.”

that made me thought deeper, I really did. because it was my first time meeting someone like her. nobody’s in Indonesia doesn’t have a religion. they must be have it, at least just written on the ID card.

then she asked me again, and for that time, I hardly couldn’t answer. here her question,

“I heard that in Indonesia, people who don’t have a religion are the same with animal.”

what?! what should I do to answer this question?Β  I can’t answer. it’s kind of hard question πŸ˜₯, i said to my self. yea, I couldn’t answer her question right away, and what thing that came out of my mouth was, “Some people say so, and some people don’t.” because I really didn’t know what to say 😦 and the thing was, I don’t want her to think that way. I mean, religion is a human right. and believe in God, for me, is also human right. nothing wrong with her if she doesn’t believe. and I have no reason to not respect her. we must respect everybody in the same and different culture, right? πŸ™‚

i just hope she doesn’t meet a very conservative person here that cannot respect her like the way it should. amin.

πŸ™‚

I don’t Give a Damn

hello my blooooog! :* I wanna tell you about my BIG decision -well, not that big, but big enough :p- okay, since the very first time I got to my campus, it was about 1 year ago, I stopped using make up. no, it’s not that stupid make up, it’s just an very ordinary make up. I also stopped to mix and match my clothes, instead those are the things I’d very love to do. you know why? because I saw nobody’s there using make up and mix-matched clothes. and, yeah, I just following their way in dressed. since I didn’t useΒ  skirt, so I used jeans. and for the top, just T-Shirt and veil. can you imagine? super duper ordinary, or even like I didn’t have the taste of fashion 😐

this is just for your information, the girls (and boys) at my faculty seem to not interesting in any way of fashion.

but then, this year at Lebaran, I felt like got an inspiration. I love fashion since I was a kid, I was just tried to kill it since I’ve got no friends in the same hobby. and, the inspiration came, I came back to the old me. I bought new clothes, new veils, new wadges, new purse, and new shoes. and I tried to find some tutorials to use fashionable veil, and yeah! I made it x) then, the first day I went to campus, I used my mix-matched clothes, and my new veil. I felt like an alien at the first time, but yea I took it easy. fyi, I didn’t use my wadges, I still didn’t want to use it, just flat shoes. but it didn’t make any furor πŸ˜€

aaaaaand, the day came, at Friday this week. I didn’t have any plan to go to campus, so I used my batik dress, my purple veil, and my wadges. but then, because one two things, I had to go to my campus. that was my day off, but just my class, so a lot of students were there. I walked with my senior, Risti. she’s from FBS. and she was just using the similar style with me. and, yeah, everybody was just starting to look at us. and, whispering. okay, to be honest, I hate that last thing, whispering. just talk to me if you want to say something, guys. don’t talk on my back. I said to my self. I said to Mbak Risti, “That’s why I don’t wanna dressed myself up at campus.” and she said, “Don’t give a damn.” well, it was true. so what if I use my wadges? okay, I do look different. I look higher and, umm, because of my dress, Mbak Risti said I looked like a princess. fyi, it was just because the dress lol. but yeah, I shouldn’t give a damn. I don’t break the rules by using the wadgesΒ anyway πŸ™‚

and today, I used my wadges, again. yeah, they looked at me. just the look like they did before. but yeah,

i don’t give a damn, this is my life, my own life πŸ˜€

kenapa, Tuhan?

kadang saya bertanya dalam hati, kenapa Tuhan menciptakan rasa sesal? kenapa Tuhan menciptakan rasa marah? kenapa Tuhan menciptakan rasa sedih? kenapa Tuhan menciptakan kemurungan? kenapa Tuhan memberikan rasa-rasa yang negatif pada kita? kenapa tidak rasa-rasa yang positif saja semuanya? kesenangan, kegembiraan, kenyamanan, senyum, tawa, dan lain-lain.

kenapa harus ada rasa yang negatif?

lalu saya terpikir lagi, from the very first time, God created us in couple. tidak hanya manusia, hewan, benda, rasa, semuanya berpasang-pasangan. tapi kenapa? apa mungkin Tuhan menginginkan kita untuk belajar dari hal yang negatif dulu untuk mendapatkan hal yang positif? kita berawal dari bayi (kecil) dulu bukan, kemudian menjadi dewasa (besar)? kita bersusah payah dulu bukan, bersekolah untuk kesenangan masa depan? kita pernah merasa sedih, kemudian senang. kita marah, kemudian tersenyum. ah, saya bingung.. saya belum mendapat jawabannya..

tua itu pasti, dewasa?

terdengar sangat klise, memang. saya selalu merasa seolah saya ini sudah dewasa, seolah berumur 19, 20, 21, 22, … dst adalah bukti kedewasaan saya. tapi setelah saya pikirkan lagi, menurut saya, itu bukan. dewasa bukan ditandai dengan bertambahnya usia saya. pun bukan ditandai dengan sudah seberapa lama kita menghirup nafas di dunia. dewasa, menurut saya adalah ketika saya mau merenung, memikirkan hal-hal apa saja yang sudah, sedang, dan akan saya lakukan, membuat resume dalam otak saya tentang semua perbuatan saya, memilah mana yang baik dan buruk, tidak mengulangi kesalahan, itulah dewasa. atau, biasanya orang bilang, proses pendewasaan.

ketika saya selesai menuliskan kalimat terakhir, terlintas dalam otak saya, “Saya bahkan belum sanggup untuk melakukan apa yang saya tulis dengan sangat mudahnya..”. nah, muncul lagi quote baru, “Teori itu mudah, prakteknya yang sulit.” ya, benar sekali. memang berteori itu mudah, sangat mudah. semua orang bisa berteori, atau paling tidak, mengutip teori orang. orang cenderung lebih bisa berteori daripada prakteknya. padahal, dalam hidup ini, justru praktek itu yang paling penting. apa guna teori tanpa praktek?

tapi saya, paling tidak, tahu yang lebih penting lagi. mencoba. tak masalah kalaupun pada akhirnya gagal, keberanian untuk mencoba itu yang patut diacungi jempol. mencoba untuk berpikir lebih dewasa, mencoba untuk melaksanakan teori yang sudah banyak kita dapat, atau bahkan mencoba untuk berani mencoba. tidak salah kan? πŸ™‚

oke, kembali ke topik tentang dewasa. saya akan merasa sangat kerdil sekali ketika berhadapan dengan orang yang begitu pemaaf. besar sekali hatinya.. sedang saya? jujur saja, saya orang yang sedikit temperamen, dan itu sangat menyusahkan. tetapi saya selalu berpikir lagi, ketika saya menjadi marah pada seseorang yang sebenarnya kemarahan tidak perlu terjadi, saya yang akan rugi. karena salam hidup, kita selalu membutuhkan orang lain. apa jadinya kalau saya begitu mudahnya marah sampai-sampai teman saya sendiri tidak mau menolong saya karena sikap saya? sedih sekali bukan.. saya tidak mau menjadi seperti itu. sebisa mungkin saya mencoba meredam amarah saya karena saya yang yang harus menyesuaikan dunia, bukan sebaliknya, dunia yang menyesuaikan saya πŸ™‚ nah, ketika saya dapat memaafkan seseorang itulah saya merasa menang. saya menapaki satu tangga kedewasaan. memaafkan.

saya masih sembilan belas tahun. saya harap saya masih diberi banyak kesempatan untuk belajar mendewasakan diri oleh-Nya. memperbaiki kesalahn-kesalahan yang saya buat sejak aqil baligh. sejak itu dosa saya tanggung sendiri bukan? better than never πŸ™‚

Be Myself

sometimes, when I’m in the very unstable emotion I always have thoughts like, “It must be nice to be her.”, “She’s got everything, money, love, beauty.”, “She’s got A score, and I don’t.”, and others stupid thoughts. it’s like jealousy. why she has it, why she can do it, why she’s got everything I don’t. but then, the next second, I think, “You have to be grateful for what Allah always giving you..”. it’s just like the cliche wise words,

“Allah always created us in more and less sides.” ya, I know it πŸ™‚

do you know how hard it is to built up your self confidence? when you’re in the middle of rich people, smart people, great people, when you’re being different from people around you. it’s like being alien. I hate it. well, I had such those suck times but I’ve been trying to be myself, my own self. I’ve been trying to built my self confidence up.

“Being different isn’t the thing that you should feel shame for”

you know, I’m starting to ignore people’s stares. it’s hard, I can tell. when you walk, then their eyes just following you on your back, and their lips starting to say something behind your back. when you talk, then they see you from your head to your toe, and their facesΒ  starting to change. it sucks, when the first time I felt it. but now, I think it’s funny. watching and guessing what people think about you causing of their suddenly alterations lol.

and now, I don’t give a shit of what people think, me is just me. the very me πŸ™‚