Pantai Jogan, Gunung Kidul

Assalamualaikum, People! May the blessings of Allah always be with you. Aamiin!

I think its known to almost everyone who has been in Jogja that the city has hidden heaven on earth in form of beaches! Two weeks ago I had a sudden urge to go to the beach with these criteria; white sand, blue-green water, and quiet. After a brief search, I got the name of Pantai Jogan. Jogan comes from the word grojogan in Javanese, meaning waterfall. Yes, the beach has a waterfall. After 2.5 hours of driving, I arrived in this beach.

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It was quiet despite the holiday. Once I got to the perimeter – which was actually on a cliff, we can’t really go into the water because the wave is too strong – I was welcomed by the loud sound of waves, striking the giant coral reefs. The water was greenish blue as far as my eyes could see, showing that this beach probably had many troughs, therefore classified as dangerous. However, the beauty was stunning.

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Can you spot a little shelter up there? I took the first picture over there. The shelter allowed me to take in a wider view of the beach. Maasyaallah was all I could say.

The intention of coming here was actually to read and listen to the sound of the sea. But, instead, my eyes were not capable of turning away from the view they were taking in. I would definitely come back to this beach. To read. 🙂

 

Wassalamualaikum.

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Revive!

Assalamualaikum, People!

It’s been forever, literally. Last time I posted something on this page was in 2015. Wow. I really can’t describe how fast time flies these days. Anyways, I went to a beach yesterday. It was so beautiful. So much so that made me remember that I once had a wordpress page! In another word, I wanted to share.

That experience led me to notice that earlier this morning, I suddenly had the urge to open this page. To relive the events that had happened to me, which led to the writings I had posted years before. It turns out to be so embarrassing!

It has crossed my mind to delete all of that silly posts, but then I thought better of it. Postings from years back are actually our life track, don’t you think? There’s date stamp on every post, meaning that its traceable, when it was written and so on. We also can count back what our age was when when wrote that. What was our state of mind. And since we get older not younger, those posts will show our evolving maturity, you can say. So, a bit of advice, don’t delete your silly posts! 🙂

Welcome back, Wulan! May the spirit of writing always be with you.

Wassalamualaikum.

Withered Flowers

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Yes, those are withered flowers. Two bouquets of flowers I had ever been given to, so, you may figure why I didn’t throw them away. Those two bouquets were from the same person. Not a very romantic person so that I had to ask for them. But, it didn’t mean I was given right away, I waited, some two times in 5 years.

Bouquet on the right was given out of nowhere. I didn’t remember asking for it. It was my birthday. Oh, not really, it was 5 days after my birthday. I was ironing his shirt and he suddenly came through that door and said, “Happy Birthday!” Then his hand came from behind his back, giving me that (used to be) beautiful bouquet. It is still beautiful to me, the moment that bouquet was given is the thing that makes it beautiful. Later, he sat me in front of him, opening a tiny box. Inside was a silver necklace with “A” pendant on it. He put it around my neck and I was overwhelming. Because the necklace was so beautiful and I never expected that kind of gift and that way of him treating me. Wonder why I didn’t put that picture of necklace here? I’ve lost it. Most beautiful thing I ever had, and I’ve lost it. Awesome.

Bouquet on the left was given not out of nowhere. I’d been whining for that bouquet and he granted it. You may figure then it was not that special because I was given what I had asked for. But, no. It was special. He came to my house, bringing me that bouquet, when we were fighting. I still wonder when he bought that bouquet, was it the night before when we weren’t arguing, or was it the morning, when we were arguing. Either way, the fact that he still brought it eventhough we were fighting is what makes it beautiful.

Those are withered flowers. Doesn’t matter cause the beauty is still there.

Hey, Grow Up!

At some point, somehow you have to learn to live by yourself. You know from the very beginning that you won’t be with you parents forever to take care of you, to give you money, to provide you beds, tv, computers, and all those things. You’ve been told (not taught) to live independent. No parents would tell (not teach) you how to live dependent to them. Except, for some people.

Different culture different way of life, that’s for sure. Here in Indonesia, you live with your parents till you can make your own money. Even if you live by yourself, let’s say in a rent room, you still ask money from them. You’re not independent in certain ways.

I’m not independent in money. But other than that, hell yes I’m working my ass off trying to live by myself. Nobody’s waking me up every morning. You wake up on time or you’re late for work. Nobody’s cooking me breakfast, let alone dinner. You cook or you don’t eat. Nobody’s providing you vegetables and fruits in the refrigerator. You shop or you have nothing to eat. Nobody’s doing you any favor, you have to make it by your own.

For someone who never lives apart from their family, doing all the things by themselves is a struggle, it’s a struggle day by day. Sure it’d be much better if only there were some places to eat, you eat then you pay. Let alone a laundry place. But that’s not the case here.

. I live in this Kampung Sempora which is placed behind the place where I’m doing my research, Indonesian Science Institute, Cibinong, West Java. The Kampung I live, There’s only some warung (it’s like a mini store) where they sell only raw materials. So still, I have to cook. Here’s the thing, I get that instead of regretting how I live in here, I’m thankful I get to learn how to live independent. A chance that I wouldn’t have experienced if I hadn’t come here.

Yes, I can’t be the same when I do grocery like I used to. I used to take all the things I WANTed (not NEEDed) and didn’t have to worry about how I’d pay. My mother would do all the paying, I’d do the taking. You know, taking things from the grocery store. Things that would rot in the refrigerator cause I forgot to use it. It was fun to be thoughtless.

Then here I am, where I have to walk for a while to go to the ATM (fyi, for us, Indonesian, walking 15 minutes to just go to the ATM is not that fun). And have to be careful to use my money because yes, my parents could send me money but who guarantees that it’d come on time and I feel it, how burdening to ask for money to them. I’d rather spend my money carefully instead of spending it away and keep asking frequently to them.

I do my grocery here. But I do it differently, you know, like making priority scale. Which ones of these things I really need and which ones still can be covered. A lot of times I take some things then I look at my trolley and do the sorting. Then I put them back to the shelves.

I think it’s good to be like this. No, I know it’s good to be like this, carefully spending your money. Besides it teaches you to be thrift, it teaches you not to be an extravagant. One thing I learned, you never know. You never know if you’re gonna be somebody with a lot of money, somebody with enough money, or worse, somebody with no or little money.

Wake-up Call

Wow, can’t imagine how fast time rolls. You were a kid playing around with other kids, playing drama pretending that you were a grown up, a very nice lady with all the make-ups and costumes,  and now you’re exactly what you’ve been wanting to be. A grown up. Well, half way there.

I’m turning 22 this year. But just like yesterday I was a kid, playing drama with other kids. Putting lipstick on my lips making it looked ridiculous, pretending to be a wife and cooking for my fake-husband (who was also a girl), putting tissue on my breast so they’d look bigger (that was how I pictured a grown up woman in my little head), and so many other foolish things I did. But it was all true and honest. And innocent. I was a kid. I was pure and innocent.

Then I got bigger. My friends also got bigger. We started to know those cute boys and tried like hell to get their attention. Those times were the time (I thought) problems started to come. Not so much of a problem compared to what I have now (considering I’m now turning 22 y.o). It was like fighting over some boys who we thought was handsome enough so it felt worth it to fight for. And screaming to another girl cause we thought that she was our BFF before knowing that apparently she was dating the boy we liked, and stuff like that. They seemed like very big problems, serious problems back in time. Now, they just seem silly.

Then out of the blue you got an invitation. Wedding invitation. I got a wedding invitation. A friend of mine was getting married!  A wake-up call. Suddenly I realized that I was standing nowhere near of being a grown up. Marriage in my culture is something huge, yet we have to face it to be a complete grown up. And she overstepped that! I mean we’re classmate, we started college together, we attended classes together, and she was already getting married. So, I asked myself, where am I? Do I even think about that? Do I even suitable already to think about that? No. I’m not yet suitable, I’m not yet ready. So, no, I’m not rushing it. I’m not in a rush. I take my time. But still, it was a wake-up call.

I need to focus. I’m focused. As long as things like this morning don’t ruin my day. Academic stuff ruined my beautiful morning. I called a friend, telling her that I was messed up. Some of my grades haven’t been published and that could be a problem and that I might not make it to graduate this year. Now, how can ‘not make it to graduate this year’ you not find that disturbing? It was really disturbing! But she said that I had to take it slow, step by step. “What’s in front of you now, face it. What’s not, leave it for a while. Cause you can’t do nothing about that. Do the things you can do.” and it was damn right and comforting. It’s just useless worrying about problems that I can’t solve. Yes, I’m in the middle of my research in Bogor, while my problems stay in Jogja. I have to leave them for a while.

Here I am, in a house with four rooms all by myself. Spending time alone makes me think way more than usual. Sometimes I think, it’d be nice if you never grew up. You know, always be a kid, stay childish. No need to think about anything, really. Life would’ve been super easy. But, we’re growing older. I’m growing older. Law of Nature, can’t do anything about that.

Recently, I often think about what I will do after I graduate. Is it going to another school for master, is it going to look for jobs, or is it going anywhere else? I have no idea. I was just like go with the flow. Now, I seem to have to make a plan.

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Sunyi senyap di rumah, cuma ada kamu dan aku. Perut kita besar. “Hati-hati, aku bertambah 1 kg.” kataku memperingatkanmu ketika kamu  telah memasang kuda-kuda untuk menangkapku. Kamu tertawa, “Aku sudah tambah kuat.” Tentu saja aku senang, apa kamu bercanda? Berlari pelan dan meloncat sekuat tenaga ke arahmu, dan hopp!!  Mengherankan kenapa kamu tidak pernah terjatuh menangkapku.

Sibuk dengan pikiran  masing-masing di ruangan 4×4. Di luar, hujan deras tanpa ampun. Entah sudah keberapa kalinya kita bicara kapan hujan akan berhenti. “Kalau kamu tidak pulang, aku akan membuat sesuatu yang sangat enak untukmu.” Kamu membuka beranda dan mulai menelusuri, mencari makanan apalagi yang kali ini bisa kamu buat.

Pancake, kamu menemukan pancake. “Pancake,” katamu. Tertawa, masih dengan perut-perut yang besar, kamu merencanakan untuk membuat pancake. Tiba-tiba ada perasaan menggebu untuk memakan pancake, gambar-gambar di beranda menggodaku. “Aku mau pancake. Sekarang.” Kataku. “Hujan, besar-besar.” Kamu menjawab dengan aksen yang lucu. “Tuhan menciptakan payung dan mantel untuk suatu alasan.” Kukatakan kalimat yang selalu kuulang untuk mengejekmu. Lagi, kamu berkata, “Dengarkan, h u j a n– besar-besar.” Tawaku meledak mendengar suaramu. Aksenmu, lebih tepatnya “P a y u n g– besar-besar.” Kubalas. Kita tertawa keras.

Bangun dari posisi ternyaman kita, kamu mengambil hoodie kesayanganmu. 2 menit kemudian kamu membungkukkan badan, seperti dulu, “Up up!” tentu saja dengan senang hati aku meloncat. Berjalan tertatih keluar kamar 4×4 disambut suara hujan yang sangat ribut. 30 detik berdiri di halaman, tubuh akan basah kuyup tanpa ampun. “Vivi, kami akan pergi beli susu.” Kamu berkata pada gadis dengan laptop di ruang keluarga, -ternyata dia ada di sana sepanjang kita bercanda- denganku di atas punggungmu. Lagi, aku tertawa keras.

Aku tahu aku akan sangat merindukan dirimu, 6290.4 mil dari sini, suatu hari nanti.

people don’t change

Waking up this morning with this shitty thoughts in my head. I was wishing to get it over with by last night, apparently I didn’t.

People don’t change. People don’t change. Been thinking that way, and that is what I believe to be the truth. People adapt, yes. We were young and stupid, then growing up, still stupid but less, probably. Because then we know how to think more instead of doing stupid things just for a moment of excitement.

But then I think there are some people who never grow up. Or maybe they do, but later. They think they are young, too young to take responsibility, too young to think about life, too young to take big decisions in life, yet young enough to screw things over, to fuck up their life. They think they still have plenty of years coming, means a lot of time to change, to re-organize their life.

But what if it’s too late already? What if they don’t have time anymore..

I’m afraid it’s you.

You could be so much better at other things, but at some certain things you just don’t get it. And I don’t know, really don’t know how to explain things to you. We’ve been thinking of the big big things. But we do forget that big things are made of small small things. Those small things are gonna be rocks on our way. Make us shaky, wobbly, or whatsoever, slip, and eventually fall. Falling apart.

We both know this is gonna be a hell of difficulties, but at some point we simplified them. Then I realized, things are just not simple at all.

I’m used to be steady. One thing for like forever till it’s cannot be used anymore. You remember my bag? That was funny, “Good to know,” you said, knowing that I’m used to one thing. Unlike you, you are used to alterations, which is normal and fine. But at some points, it’s really difficult for me.

I’m really not used to adapt. It’s affecting one of important things in relationship, if you know what I mean. You were frustrated, really were. A bit yelled at me, “… fucking shit!”. I’m sorry for that, I really am. I’m just, not used to you.

Things are not as simple as they used to be, right? It came along as we’re getting to know each other more and more. It has two sides, I know. In a way it’s very nice to get to know people, in another way, it’s a starting point of troubles.