Wow, can’t imagine how fast time rolls. You were a kid playing around with other kids, playing drama pretending that you were a grown up, a very nice lady with all the make-ups and costumes, and now you’re exactly what you’ve been wanting to be. A grown up. Well, half way there.
I’m turning 22 this year. But just like yesterday I was a kid, playing drama with other kids. Putting lipstick on my lips making it looked ridiculous, pretending to be a wife and cooking for my fake-husband (who was also a girl), putting tissue on my breast so they’d look bigger (that was how I pictured a grown up woman in my little head), and so many other foolish things I did. But it was all true and honest. And innocent. I was a kid. I was pure and innocent.
Then I got bigger. My friends also got bigger. We started to know those cute boys and tried like hell to get their attention. Those times were the time (I thought) problems started to come. Not so much of a problem compared to what I have now (considering I’m now turning 22 y.o). It was like fighting over some boys who we thought was handsome enough so it felt worth it to fight for. And screaming to another girl cause we thought that she was our BFF before knowing that apparently she was dating the boy we liked, and stuff like that. They seemed like very big problems, serious problems back in time. Now, they just seem silly.
Then out of the blue you got an invitation. Wedding invitation. I got a wedding invitation. A friend of mine was getting married! A wake-up call. Suddenly I realized that I was standing nowhere near of being a grown up. Marriage in my culture is something huge, yet we have to face it to be a complete grown up. And she overstepped that! I mean we’re classmate, we started college together, we attended classes together, and she was already getting married. So, I asked myself, where am I? Do I even think about that? Do I even suitable already to think about that? No. I’m not yet suitable, I’m not yet ready. So, no, I’m not rushing it. I’m not in a rush. I take my time. But still, it was a wake-up call.
I need to focus. I’m focused. As long as things like this morning don’t ruin my day. Academic stuff ruined my beautiful morning. I called a friend, telling her that I was messed up. Some of my grades haven’t been published and that could be a problem and that I might not make it to graduate this year. Now, how can ‘not make it to graduate this year’ you not find that disturbing? It was really disturbing! But she said that I had to take it slow, step by step. “What’s in front of you now, face it. What’s not, leave it for a while. Cause you can’t do nothing about that. Do the things you can do.” and it was damn right and comforting. It’s just useless worrying about problems that I can’t solve. Yes, I’m in the middle of my research in Bogor, while my problems stay in Jogja. I have to leave them for a while.
Here I am, in a house with four rooms all by myself. Spending time alone makes me think way more than usual. Sometimes I think, it’d be nice if you never grew up. You know, always be a kid, stay childish. No need to think about anything, really. Life would’ve been super easy. But, we’re growing older. I’m growing older. Law of Nature, can’t do anything about that.
Recently, I often think about what I will do after I graduate. Is it going to another school for master, is it going to look for jobs, or is it going anywhere else? I have no idea. I was just like go with the flow. Now, I seem to have to make a plan.