Menangis Lagi..

ya, akhirnya saya menangis. melegakan tenggorokan saya yang sakit seperti dicubit. saya ingin menangis keras-keras tapi saya malu. saya bukan anak TK.

baru kali ini ketika baterai handphone saya habis saya tidak ingin cepat-cepat men-charger-nya. baru kali ini ketika bangun tidur saya tidak ingin cepat-cepat mencari handphone dan mengiriminya pesan. baru kali ini saya merasa sangat enggan untuk bertelepon. baru kali ini ketika sedang senggang saya tidak ingin berhubungan dengannya, bahkan sekedar membalas pesan singkat. baru kali ini..

saya ingin sendiri, namun ketika saya berkata begitu, dia akan membiarkan saya sendiri, dan saya tidak rela. maka dari itu, mungkin lebih baik tiba-tiba tidak membalas pesannya saja. menghilang. rasanya saya lelaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah sekali.. mungkin dia juga. lelah mengkhawatirkan saya. tapi apalah, saya tidak ingin memikirkannya.

tiba-tiba saya jadi berpikir, apalah artinya pacaran? orang bilang itu penjajakan sebelum berlanjut ke hubungan yang lebih jauh. tapi pantaskah pacaran yang kemudian saling menyakiti? ya, menyakiti. no one in this damn earth wanna be hurt. tidak ada orang di dunia ini yang mau disakiti. tetapi meyakiti rasanya jauh lebih mudah dan enak.

saya melantur. saya hanya ingin menulis. menyalurkan emosi saya ketimbang mengeluarkan makian-makian yang tidak enak didengar. pelarian yang positif, saya rasa.

hmm, saya ingin kembali seperti dulu. saat awal bertemu. tidak ada muka masam, tidak ada rasa tidak senang, apalagi pertengkaran. semuanya adem ayem, menenangkan untuk masing-masing dari kami. membutuhkan satu sama lain. merasa aman ketika kami bersama-sama. dan sekarang saya memutar lagu ini, Halo, dari Beyonce..

Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they’re tumbling down
And they didn’t even put up a fight
They didn’t even make up a sound

I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It’s like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin’
It’s the risk that I’m takin’
I ain’t never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You’re the only one that I want
Think I’m addicted to your light

I swore I’d never fall again
But this don’t even feel like falling
Gravity can’t forget
To pull me back to the ground again

Feels like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin’
The risk that I’m takin’
I’m never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
Halo, halo

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

saya suka sekali mendengarkan dan menyanyikan lagu itu, dulu. merasa saya dan dia tak berjarak. tetapi kemudian entah bagaimana lagu ini terputar di mp3, dan hati saya sedikit terusik..

I tried to be perfect
but nothing was worth it.
I don’t believe it makes me real.
I thought it’d be easy
but no one believes me.
I meant all the things I said.
If you’d believe it’s in my soul,
I’d say all the words that I know
just to see if it would show
that I’m trying to let you know
that I’m better off on my own.

This place is so empty.
My thoughts are so tempting.
I don’t know how it got so bad.
Sometimes it’s so crazy
but nothing can save me
but it’s the only thing that I have.
If you’d believe it’s in my soul,
I’d say all the words that I know
just to see if it would show
that I’m trying to let you know
that I’m better off on my own.

I tried to be perfect,
it just wasn’t worth it.
Nothing could ever be so wrong.
It’s hard to believe me.
It never gets easy.
I guess I knew that all along.
If you’d believe it’s in my soul,
I’d say all the words that I know
just to see if it would show
that I’m trying to let you know
that I’m better off on my own.

salah satu lagu dari SUM 41, Pieces..

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